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Almost I learned the truth at 27 That love is really meant for no one Still I tried to be a beauty queen I have fit myself into smaller spaces Tried on a thousand faces In some vague attempt to be seen It's the almost, almost that tears me wide open Almost good enough Almost whole and I've almost been broken Unlearning how to stay unloved Do you remember when you told me You'd do anything to keep me And how quickly you forgot Did I ask the impossible When I needed tenderness Did I ask you to be someone you're not It's the almost, almost that kills me Thinking I am a just little better than anyone else sees I'm eighty cents looking for a dollar A rescued kitten too good for her collar Back to Top Always Radical You alone shared my tears As we watched such injustice unfold I alone looked into your eyes As rationale was retold Most people argue Pandering to the middle You are always radical Uncompromising When others would follow their rules You would be nobody's fool Focused so strongly As we shared those afternoons Could you, so tranquil, understand my longing To be so much more than friend to you Most people argue Toeing the party line You won't be so easily defined Uncompromising When others say turn the other cheek You will never risk appearing weak I'll never say I disagree But I had different priorities I wanted to have someone beside me Who wanted revolution as unblindly And when I asked you If I could give you just one kiss I've never seen such indifference Uncompromising While I would have changed myself for you You would always remain true Back to Top As You Wish You would always answer "as you wish" And I didn't see it as a precious gift Until I understood how rare true love is My life was simple Till seeing you through another's wanting eyes Made me realize what I'd been missing Every moment my love grew a thousand times No room in my body for anything but you My knees shake with blind affection I yearn for a chance to prove it Just whisper that I might win your love Anything you ask of me I already want it too Anything I don't know now I will learn for you, for you You would always answer "as you wish" And I didn't see it as a precious gift Until I understood how rare true love is There were "strong wills" before "agency" My beauty all my own though unknown to me Until it caught the eye of the future king Who saw me as yet another prey-thing And it would have been so easy To refuse if you still lived But I'd stopped eating, stopped trying And lost every care I could give To exalt is to dehumanize To turn a woman into nothing but a prize So my beauty was a double-edged knife And I still recalled those words you said But nothing ever would be as I wished again So I might as well reign as the living dead But I should have known death couldn't keep true love away I'll never make that mistake again Anything you ask of me I already want it too Anything I don't know now I will gladly learn for you And now you always answer "as you wish" I cherish it as the most precious gift I understand how rare true love is Now you always answer "as you wish" I cherish it as the most precious gift We understand how rare true love is Back to Top Atypical Girl We walk hooded Blinkered by mirrors In separate voids Convinced we are lone sorcerers [And that knowledge is power] Old tongues cluck remonstrance We're such bad bitches Yet it's permitted So we are toothless Yes we bite the hand that plans to be bitten A rising demographic of nasty little women So don't give me that line that I'm somehow better I am a typical girl -- we're all in this together Atypical girls create, rebel Take no shit and give 'em hell Lean in, fearlessly Their bodies offer no apology The male gaze can't touch They've overcome so much Atypical girls wear their damage Like Girl Scout badges Atypical girls are typical girls now A rising demographic of nasty little women [Feeding the system] So don't give me that line that I'm somehow better I am a typical girl we're all in this together I don't deserve more because I seem to demand it Take your reluctant respect and shove it Maybe it's OK to be fragile Maybe it's OK to be helpless Maybe we don't each need to be the strongest Maybe we're all just basic witches (And maybe that's OK) Back to Top Autumn We recline on the ground in the orchard at dusk Fruit falls, already fermented We are drunk and sated We share with the fat worms who will eat us -- later We need never work again There is pleasure and song now And this intoxicating harvest And winter so long we'll never see Spring again —Soon Winter so long we will never see Spring again Wrap me in deep velvet Let me smell the decay on your breath As we consummate this futureless lust As we sink slowly into the earth Do we desire a sturdy coffin for two Or to let scavengers clean our bones? Any way we decompose will be so beautiful Nothing is ugly, in the Fall Flowers faded long ago and we still love them Let others remember us With all our sorrows and decadence As shamelessly and without regret We dissolve (We need never work again There is pleasure and song now Forever) Back to Top Bad Man I am not a bad man Wouldn't you love to learn how to love me? You are all I dream of Angelic sweetness, faith and mercy I am not a bad man Compared to injustice you've survived I tell you you're my equal Rare and unearthly, pure light I know they taught you to be a good woman To stomach the worst of men like me Tend to my wounds as if you could heal them Let me prey on your sympathy I am not a bad man You've always admired the anti-hero Brooding and misunderstood Because his mind is superior Ignore the screaming — my wife in in the attic I just pretend she does not exist And I insist that you are not like the others You will always be innocent When the house burns down and she's dead you'll come back You'll love me despite my deformity And maybe once I'm blind I'll see how I've erred and I will learn some humility I am not a bad man (As I prey on) Wouldn't you love to learn how to love me? (The saint in you) I am not a bad man (I swear it will) If only someone would learn how to love me (Fulfill you) Back to Top Be So (words by Michael Barnstijn) Time is running all too slow I always stop when I must go. When I race I fall behind And curse the shadows in my mind. (too slow, must go, too slow, must go) Walk the street with empty hands Can't keep up with life's demands. Tried it fast and tried it slow Just can't see where next to go. (must go, too slow, must go, too slow) Now I find where I must be Here with you and you with me. Noise and fear have blinded me I stand still and now I see. (don't go, be so, don't go, be so) Back to Top Beauty Over Industry We hear beauty Over the sounds of industry All this technology Can't supplant humanity Abandoned factories our Fallow fields what will we sow They may have cities but We have something they can't control And there is no hope without hope We write past wrongs not to repent That is what we want to prevent We dream better worlds not to escape This is what want to create We have we have the power We have a responsibility We are the ones who see the Past and future brightly This is the tomorrow they warned us about But our eyes are open A vast network of roots and We are growing There is no hope without hoping [This was inspired by Parliament & Wake's essay "Why Steampunk (Still) Matters."] Back to Top Before the Flood This city sucks the blood of the young To feed the rich and greedy Then the young learn to look down in disgust At the bodies of the needy I did not ask to be born a citizen of your land I did not ask to need to be fed by your charitable hand One last rain before the flood (rising up all around us) One last flood before the water pulls us all under And there's no Atlantis to escape to No future to create, now But now we see your wars For what they are I am not a lone oracle We all know the ship's going down But for all I know you've got a lifeboat It's just your poor soldiers who'll drown I did not ask to fight for the rights of the rulers of this land I did not ask to die by your enemy's hand One last rain (etc.) And if there is a life boat on board You'd better believe we will take it We will seize everything As you look on in the wake Your money won't buy back lives From the ones you tried to take One last rain (etc) And if there is a life boat on board You'd better believe we will take it We will seize everything As you look on in the wake Your money won't buy the lives From the spirits you tried to break Back to Top Before the King I have appeared at last before the king And while I still can, I must sing I sing through smiling lips and pretend I don't know it's the end I can't stop this gift of vision I can't help but see what's coming And I've never been given A faustian bargain 'Cause no one wants what I'm selling (Souls are a dime a dozen) Everything happens Not for a reason But it has to happen to someone I used to have a potion To quiet the visions But now even our poison is poisoned And I was never aspirational Only living as a cautionary tale Having to dance and beg on my knees My only chance at dignity And to pretend these scraps are enough To appease the lords above But of my own space and time I am queen And while I still can, I must sing I sing the truth: Death comes for us all And now she stands in your great hall! Back to Top Black Flowers Black flowers in my hair (As I walk the streets of memory) I replay two figures moving through winter's air (The sweetest place I'll ever be) We drink in the back room of the bar across the street (Now I walk the streets of memory) Like I don't know it's the last time we will meet here (The only place I want to be) I did not think I'd find it in dive bars or swingsets But now it's gone, maybe that's where I left it [I didn't think I found what I was looking for in dive bars or swingsets after dark But now they're gone I know I'm missing something — is it just the seeking of a chance to seek a spark?] I had always hoped love would be the answer Where is my contentment ever after? Black flowers, black flowers on the ground (As I walk the streets of memory) I cherish them much more now: the lost and found (The sweetest place I'll ever be) Boards cover up the windows of that old dive (Now I walk the streets of memory) Timelessly in my mind we all survive (The only place I want to be) I pound my boots over the little hill we once stepped So I never lose this place in my head Back to Top Black Magic If I could save you I would kiss you I would run to you I would fix you If I could stitch their hearts I'd collect another All the lonely boys I could be their mother If it was more than the lure Of a possible fall I would consider Breaking it all But it is merely polar Opposites attracting My perfect order To meet chaos again Still something pulls me And I don't want the blame This is black magic I can only lose this game You ask for what seems simple And god I love to give But it's impossible You are not mine to save (February 2012) Back to Top Breathe Out The songs of two battle-bloodied birds The last green leaf of a blighted bay The love that grows inside me now The new love it pulls in its wake Breathe out dullness and hopes neglected Breathe in fullness and nerves electric The best spells are made of letting go Not reaching or climbing, but saying no There's no room in any heart for both something new and something broken Only wish for luck and more wishes Let go of desires selfish They warn you about the emptiness Where fools rush in — but you're a fool too Or they tell you it will come when you stop looking So you stop Still your hope blocks the door And you can't clear your mind Of the pictures they planted Of happiness as commodity Or the life you planned In the love you planned Still your hope blocks the door Until you learn to say no Until you let go Back to Top Bred for the Bounty Am I making up a breakdown For the art that is a symptom Breeding problems like rats For the bounty their tails fetch Parading my damage -- a perfectly cultivated wreck And all the voices begging "Let us have our beauty Sing no more of tragedy! Or your crises There is real danger in this Because I can't gain without risk I am queen of such fertile ground I can't keep all the weeds out There is no way to keep it safe but I will harvest anyway And all the voices begging "Let us have our beauty Sing no more of tragedy! Or your crises" And all the gods are saying "We don't require an offering We just want you to sing We've had enough of martyrdom You can keep your head on Now we need you to be strong" (Now we need you to be strong) Back to Top Buried Alive The song claws at my throat Buried alive They need me to be weak That's how they thrive Even now they took my time, they take my time My fingers twist in pain Feeling their way With just a fool's hope For the escape What I know is my own strength, is my own strength You know I will resist Though it may be in silence I'll see my own rewards In solitary triumph What I know is my own strength I kept it locked away And so it will remain Until I'm free someday The song claws at my throat Buried alive And though I scream inside It will survive (January 2005) Back to Top The Bridge I pulled myself out of the rubble With no expectations or hope Vaguely curious what lies beyond I emerged to cross the bridge alone I did not expect to find a new dealer for desire A new leader into the era where we'll thrive It was you, holding the power of light and death As I walked West The resonance of our minds, our sympathetic vibrations Excite the bridge we're on in catastrophic undulations Your hand tight in mine I know I will fall in deep You'll show me your Atlantis And teach me how to breathe In the depths lie all the bad decisions I make when I fall in love But I don't want to chase the red flags any more I just want a piece of your flawed utopia (September 2011) Back to Top Bruises I learned to love from songs I know I do it wrong I fall fast and not very well Try to dissemble, but you can tell I can't play by the rules Too impatient to be pursued But you got under my skin Your skin under my nails Your smell on my hair Your marks on my arms If we can choose our bruises I've made my choice Now I sing my own song in my own voice Though my tongue may still be tied In the end I will be undenied Oh, I learned to love from songs I know I do it wrong If I could have what I wanted You would be part of it To grasp me firmly's not an option But I want you Even now I've had you, still -- I want you Tempted to give all this a name As our dance moves always one step out of frame (October 2008) Back to Top Casualties "That's one of the unfortunate by-products of a married woman falling in love. There are almost always casualties, Eve." In retrospect it seems I've lost I could have won, but at what cost? Is it too late now to be brave? When there's no love left I can save Feeling guilt's my one regret I let you take all you could get I'm coming back to take what's mine I'm not afraid to cross the line (December 2009) Back to Top Caught Her When we were girls We were our own little world It seemed that we were unbreakable So we pushed the limits Unbearable poverty makes you think anything's better than what you have Unspeakable acts seems exciting You'll sacrifice everything for the chance But if I could, if I could, if I could have caught her Would she now be free? If I could, if I could, if I could have caught her Would she ever forgive me? I was all she had, I still Feel I somehow failed her I know I was not to blame it was Only our silence that betrayed her When they came to take her She went without a fight I watched from inside the closet Protecting myself in the black of night But if I could... I could pretend I don't care Wherever she is, what they do to her In that moment we were severed (Her submission) But we were girls together We were girls together... Once upon a time Back to Top Civilized If only we could live on hunger If only we could be sustained by being desired It wouldn't be such a tragedy That you're so goddamned civilized You haven't used those eyes on me in years But I remember when you were wild So I am making peace with the emptiness, the hollowness, oh Because I refuse to fill it with lies Do I wish for the young rogue back -- I used to hope you would grow up I always knew you sort-of loved me But it would never be enough All the threads pulling on my heart, leading nowhere (Cut them) I don't need their ties All the torches my hands strain to carry Drop them -- I don't need their light So I am making peace with the emptiness, the hollowness, oh Because I refuse to fill it with lies Back to Top Commodity
I walked all around the city
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In Pinks and Golds My many admirers bring me flowers But I spend my nights alone They promise me diamond rings I prefer to wear rhinestones It's your light on my face Your carefully chosen hues You know the stories behind my words You know me far beyond my cues But the loneliest place is on this pedestal All these eyes upon me, and I just want you Limn me in pinks and golds and reds The colors of the flowers they send Bathe me in the softest warmth In this secret duet we perform Are you just a beacon, or are you home? If you only asked me, I would go and come I don't need any more roses or rings But I need the stage like I air I lament the distance But you and I both need me here All the wants and shoulds and maybes Of my idiot heart are not what you want to hear Can you bear it one more time? Illuminate the longing I feel Back to Top Infinitesimal The echoes fade each season and return I am haunted by "We have all the time in the world" Because you, my young older man, won't deceive me with permanence You will never lie or let me hope In these electric daydreams I search for you Here are the empty streets, the forest, the dancefloor of tacit desires Here is the night you slept on the floor, Here is the night of rain which I will always remember But I have seen cascades of tears running away from me At the end of these years -- growing up's not all it should be You're so fixed in your ideals: you'll be victorious (Refuse to try these appeals) against your own happiness. This electricity never faded, now memory holds me secure. By morning pain will be dried, brine round our eyes. And I am always warm, always satisfied Because we are infinitesimal. We are too small, too small to wonder. Now is the trial, the test of faith. I remain faithful in my quest for understanding You, the greatest mystery of all I am only a wasp slayer; I am both hunter and prey, And I remember in devoted solitude Oh, I have seen cascades of tears.... We are infinitesimal. We are too small, too small to doubt When happiness rests at our feet We are infinitesimal. We are.... (June 1998) Back to Top Intertwined Last night we slept with our fingers intertwined I'm in love in a city that will never be mine All our moves are impetuous But your spell was cast before we were us In the moment I'm head-over-heels with this And I promise I won't mind missing it And I could hurry back, or try to stay Or I could trust nothing good ever gets away We walk on a warm night down your block Always with eyes or arms or lips locked We are the worst at hello and goodbye That heavy feeling -- tomorrow I fly And how can we sentimentalize The wind whips the tears out of our eyes [The line "nothing good ever gets away" is from a letter John Steinbeck wrote to his son.] Back to Top Is She Secretly on My Side Is she secretly on my side Does she know all the reasons I've cried And secretly still sing along The soundtrack of her life my songs (She always got the meanings wrong) She's my sororal doppelganger Following close like a phantom Loving my discards just to confuse me: Which of us holds the hand-me-downs? (Which of us wears the wedding gowns?) Now she wears my old life, the life I think she made On my competitive side she preyed Did she always picture herself in my place Now the darling's won the race (I wish that she could see my face) Does she remember the day we tried on white dresses The day she was my sister, before I was her confessor Now does she revel in victory Or is she plagued by the ghost of me? (Haunted by what she can not see) (January 2010) Back to Top The Keys With a promise to set me free From the cage I'd locked myself into He appeared with many keys How could I refuse? These golden bars they hold perfection But were chosen by mistake (mistake) Comfort would be my tomb I had to run away (he led me away) Waking in the morning, my head upon his chest The paradox abundantly clear This love attacked so fierce: it will decay like all the rest There is nothing to be gained here As lust turns to need all the promise is destroyed Need turns to possession Each little victory only noise So I have returned to my cage But now I hold the keys And I will use them Anytime I please (July 2008) Back to Top Knowledge Scars Such a lovely fall from grace Such a pretty tearful face Silence rules falsely empty hearts In this fevered, cold embrace Intuition's wrong, though dreams implore so strongly Upon these wings of fire no other has desired so Could my hope be killed within another sin, oh I'd touch your soul again but pretense wears so thin, within If only I could wait; if only I could have faith In love -- in love -- like yesterday Then along you come, so cool, emotionless And I can only open my arms, close my eyes, and wait Knowledge scars with twisted limbs Always given, given in Torn by vapid lust Deny our broken trust. (July 1997, November 1998) Back to Top Lament For Peter Pan Sweet unrest grows sour -- striving, excruciating yet wanting so badly to atone... "Go, then and scorn fidelity. Guilt will follow." This tightrope I walk slices through my feet as the are clay As if I were meant to fall into both sides of sorrows (so grave, so deep) To be forced by guile and guilt which so manipulate For I have paid in insincerity for my small mistakes I fear the imminent gravity of aborted wishes I have seen before through eyes like his I know the pain separation gives And he hasn't yet learned Forever never means forever....anymore, anymore, anymore...did it ever? This is for washing the sorrows away From these feet like clay... The rope now gives way, and I know where I stand He's within, without, and so very over Like a sweet, sweet dream into which I'll never step again, anymore... (But there are other dreams, oh yes) * Well in the night I dream about you In the day I find no rest Just the thought of you, my darling Sends aching pains all through my chest Days grow longer and enamored with the spring Longer now I watch your face, blue in the silent dusk But how long will hopes remain inside, entombed, beseeching us And how long till your faraway eyes will reach for me Will they ever reach again? Do I hold no mystery? (anymore...) And how can we romanticize Once those burning eyes Have wrapped around my flesh, so consuming my enigma Is there nothing left? anymore, anymore, anymore... This remorse will never disappear While he refuses to dry his tears Our guilty hands never rinse clear So we remain blind in fear -- and never love * Well, when I'm dead and in my coffin With my feet turned toward the sun Come and sit beside me, darling, Come and think on the way you've done * from folk song, "East Virginia," not included in Knowledge Scars version Back to Top Peter Pan Waltz (originally part of "Lament for Peter Pan") Oh never again to be swept off my feet, nevermore nevermore nevermore And never again know the hope so sweet, nevermore... But "nevermore?" I've said it before, nevermore... And always the same find the lies, all the blame lies within, evermore, evermore But you taught me to hate this slow loss of emotion, this motion toward death, toward stillness, The oceans of blood from your lips as you let out the pain I feel mine in your words till we've both been drained Though ever I grow colder, my hope never wanes to leave me so alone Alone in my dreams forgetful of these, my first silver idols But electric as daydreams are still, I fear I'll watch you grow ever duller If you ever let me touch you, if my mind gets any fuller with time If I see through your words to a heart frail as mine, delicate as ice in April For only the truly unreachable can still hold fascination for such as we Only the truly unreachable can still fascinate me anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore.... (January-February 1998) Back to Top The Little Mermaid "Are you not fonder of me than of all the rest?" cried her eyes "Yes, you are dearest of all to me -- you, the silent one; if not no one, then you." But then he speaks of her -- the unknown, a false angel. The mermaid chokes in fear, but still she hopes... How can you want something more than me? I give my life for yours, sacrifice my voice Only in hope, a thousand knives each step, that I may share your soul Oh, if only I could sing, or if this heart had wings, I would be your angel. Word travels fast, soon despair comes crashing, crashing down Only blood and sisters' love can save her life now. A thousand knives. She dances into death that night. The sea so cold, black, unyielding. A promise to fall. So only murder can save her now, but what's the use Her love is gone either way, so why fight? How can you want more than me? I rewrote my future in foam for you I gave my life to see this through and am betrayed. And disintegrate. Oooh... Oh -- Why must true illusion, not love, conquer all? (April 1998) Back to Top Long, Long Shadows I'm in the land of sunlight And long, long shadows And I am listening To slow, sad echoes Pay no attention to lover death She has come to seduce you again Let us distract you with sex and violence They are your best friends She comes to you with promise of sunsets So sweetly she promises, but all she leaves are regrets It won't be a wake but a tidal wave of grief You don't think about that; you only want relief Back to Top Loud and Clear I only wanted to make something better than myself I never resisted being criticized No I listened to everything anyone has said But some things are not meant to be analyzed It's all over now I've grown so tired of listening to all the doubt The fear so consuming that I'll never get out I still have the choice To ignore that voice inside my head that says Whatever I do, it's not a success -- I've had enough of this With every glance new cracks, new flaws are exposed We all carry a thousand mistakes But you know someday this Pandora's box will be closed Until then, I'll do whatever it takes I look to the past, to the future to come Relying on daydreams that I might have won One day... I'm too soft, I'm too hard I'm too brave, I'm too scared I'm trivial, I'm serious Is anyone even hearing this? I hear the absence of your cheers Loud and clear, loud and clear... (February 2008) Back to Top Lullaby I can hear your voice whenever I want to But it's not the same as when we were alone That night in the second bed they bought you Because you were the star and I was the girl backstage And you would sing to me The song that would have been a lullaby, a lullaby Till fingers to my mouth They reach in and pulled out such a sigh! I can see your face whenever I want to, on glossy paper But once I really saw your eyes Through the windows of the windows of your soul Then all the oracles, they told me not to prophesize So I went on a simple quest And there was no where I wanted yes But it was such a joy to know I have known you Better better better than they do Yes once you sang to me The song that would have been a lullaby, a lullaby But when it's at your fingertips You don't have to try Back to Top Magnanimous (For J.D.M) This house is now barren and cold Where once it was scented, overgrown So glad to be leaving this misery Silence, eternal sterility Someone said, "You want to think you are good" No: I don't care what I think When most people would rather hate than communicate You are different, you have something to say, now But now you're so far away In word and body, what can I say? Could you understand my desperation Magnanimous you, understand my attention Unwanted as it was Hope is necessary, just like trust In every situation I find myself Grasping for some connection, anything, something like community But most people would rather hate than communicate You are different; you care what I have to say But now you're so far away In word and body, what can I say Could you understand my anger at them Magnanimous you, understand my reaction Irrational as it was Now you're so far away In word and body, what can I say What can I say that will sound the same On the other side of the electronic divide (July 2000) Back to Top Mediocrity You sleaze in everything you do. Once you sodomized a child, and never even knew her name. That night I lay and wished for none of what you tried to give me. "You're like two sirens" you said. But I never called you. Still I always wanted my name in lights What I thought I could do for fame, back in those nights But now I will not submit to mediocrity "Angel named Mercy," who could that be? Any fool could see through you Ephemeral bullshit is not for me I was a 25 dollar whore for you I wasted my talent on your worthless crap I was no one, trying to make you look good The worst job I've ever had to give (I'll never submit again) Nevermore will I submit to mediocrity Your self-serving ignorance, hypocrisy I was ashamed by our name and your pretension I know this life of whoredom is not for me In all your decadence I will not lie (an inside joke, July 1999) Back to Top Neophile I love what's new so much I can't tell what's best I'll never have what I want I want what I can't get I won't control myself, I won't hide The blackness draws you in, my pupils are so wide It scares you when I look into your eyes But this is the kind of fear you like You've never met a girl like me before You'll never meet one again It's cruel for me to leave you wanting more But these affairs are meant to end I love what's new so much I can't tell what's best I'll never have what I want I want what I can't get Because you are strange Because you are new Because nothing not now Can ever be true We walk to your place from the center of the city I love your accent but I can't stand the rain One-night-stands have become a part of me You say you never do this kind of thing but - If our bodies were always touching Then of course we would be feeling nothing At least this spark is something My skin is wrapped In red warning labels But I've nothing to conceal My inner truths are on the table (March 2011) Back to Top The Next Flower (Words by Kat Mulkey) You look so intriguing In that old-fashioned clothing Your eyes so alluring So young, yet so knowing In black fishnet stockings And dark velvet gown You visit the nightclubs All over town You meet a young man there You know the type In exchange for a slow dance You're his for the night But boys don't love girls like that Past the promiscuous hour They leave your cherished blossom And fly to the next flower You let him caress you In the back of an old car For proclaiming your beauty You let him go so far You're searching for love you say But that's not how you'll find it Beneath the flesh you're still alone And you pretend you don't mind it But boys don't love girls like that Past the promiscuous hour They leave your cherished blossom And fly to the next flower Boys don't love girls like that They don't take them home To meet mother, make breakfast, or write to you But this you've always known Back to Top Nightmares All I wanted was to be Heard over the crowd But I did not recognize My voice that loud Wishes come true with lies How can I rest when I must keep spinning To stay upright And is the best I can hope for Nightmares to fill my mind? I embody powerlessness: surprise, it saps my confidence Putting hopeless faith in the divine in the mundane Listen to everything at once -- you will know why I am going mad Crossed by my imagination -- my future darkly envisioned How can I rest when I must keep climbing To stay upright And is the best I can hope for Nightmares to fill my mind? Wishes come true with lies Now I am a cold and lonely queen Ruler of all I see Tired of my looking glass I climb the highest tree But I can't take my eyes off the moon, still above me, distant Maybe she can teach how to balance madness and strength Back to Top Oblivion and Creation There are no good and evil But on my shoulders sit two angels Oblivion and creation Someone will approve Either way I choose Oblivion or creation And I flatter myself This brinksmanship Is a way to touch the infinite A delightful delusion Though meaningless We still have our aesthetics I trace the labyrinth To find my own voice And it rings out: hollow Could I just disappear? Once I thought I'd have it all Now I stand outside this person's work And weep at its insignificance When will I meet that timeless self again Wise and uncaring in Oblivion? The pull or the drive The war in my mind Oblivion and creation Is the divine right To shape the rubble mine Indulge myself in creation I don't want to write another verse There was never any truth in words So I peel back the layers To find my center — it was never there Should I just disappear? Once I thought I'd have it all Now I stand outside that person's work And weep at its insignificance When will I be egoless at last Undriven by creation? …Careless in oblivion Back to Top The Ones Who Walk Away Bright-towered by the sea Can you see the city now? Horses and children in procession Laughter and music fill the air No king or knights, no guns or bombs And no guilt, only joy There are some who walk away alone Into the unknown If you accept this city, this bliss That's the end, don't read any further But if you are one of those Who thinks happiness dull or impossible Then they torture a child for you And because they torture that child Some must walk away alone Into the unknown I was one of them I gave up security and sunlight The comforting knowledge that My child will never be the one sacrificed I walked away to build something unimaginable Into the unknown There are some who walk away alone Into the unknown Back to Top Paresthesia Do you ever wonder, wonder who Silently came, quickly left, left a flower for you? He said "be wary of symbols" and I see them so clear But I have dreams -- one of them is you -- they eclipse all my fear Can you tell me why I dream of you? Hungry and male, and her, long-lashed and beautiful-sad Was the electricity only the sparks behind my eyes In the redness of parched, scorched earth Thirsty your eyes, or my blood But its your smile in those moments that lets in hope I subsist on this, I desist as you resist But how twisted my desires grow And when will I feel your eyes, your dark eyes On my flesh, on my breast Where I fear my displayed heart lies? ...and oh, the paresthesia when I pretend you want me When my subconcious taunts me with this impossible dream.... (November 1999) Back to Top Pillar of Salt The damage was done preemptively Blame the force of these memories Abstain all you want you can't shake your hold on me Though you won't call me -- you play it right Still my mind lingers in those nights And you don't have to try to twist that knife But if I look back I'll turn into a pillar of If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of salt-- Not since the days of boys' tyranny Over my heart was I so weak Yet you see I would love to beg at your feet But if I look back I'll turn into a pillar of If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of salt- Back to Top Pink Shoes Pink shoes never touch the ground Walk of shame back from your house My town like I've never seen On your side the grass is green Mission boys nod as I pass In Spanish compliment my dress Makeup's smeared but I don't care Now at last I'm so aware Your scent lingers on my skin Iceberg-tip of what's within Endless possibilities Who I am allowed to be Always think of you when I wear pink shoes Back to Top A Poison Tree - Words by William Blake I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow. And I watered it in fears, Night and morning with my tears; And I sunned it with smiles, And with soft deceitful wiles. And it grew both day and night, Till it bore an apple bright. And my foe beheld it shine. And he knew that it was mine, And into my garden stole When the night had veiled the pole; In the morning glad I see My foe outstretched beneath the tree. Back to Top Power Some people use words, gasps of air Some use flesh, objects of desire seeking power Either way, from either side, the desire is the same: Love, whatever that means, whatever it brings, I'll do what I can, to find it Some follow, others seek Are we what we feel or what we think? What can I do to touch you? When we are only red lights in a grey haze And I can hardly see you Why when I close my eyes I feel your body Why do I put so much faith in someone I hardly know? Is it my need to hope? What do I seek in you? What's at the core of me Do I really long for autonomy? Do I want to be the object of your fantasies Or are you my dream Or my icon, so reduced Or my innocence, so long dismissed? Love, whatever that means, whatever that brings, I'll do what I can, to find it Some follow, other seek You are what you feel What's at the core of me: do I really seek autonomy? Or are you a center of power Or are you who I want to be? Back to Top Resolution The guilt anchored me But your face could launch a thousand ships And the sky on those nights would steal any heart And now the remorse is yours I hung her on your wall for a reason -- bloody hands, roses I would have done anything to be rid of her Except give up hope of touching you, so I succumbed I have always been blind I will never learn to let go (For now I purge the lies) You failed, you failed like all the rest, At least I though you'd try But my dreams of true love disappeared in half a week I touched you, I found your heart I found it frail but unkind I'll never lay a hand on your soul again. But God how I long to have those nights back The time before bitterness took hold Innocence was painted black and violet In the violence of floods, in the oceans of memories Cascading from this punctured heart That still cries for new wounds... The sorrows couldn't wash away as quickly as love did No time passed before silence and proverbial illusion conquered all And no tears fell after that night, the fall, but nostalgia burns And I am always warm This is my new tightrope I can't see beneath my feet -- I could fall into space This loss of hope is eternal You never believed we were infinitesimal; I still see it -- On nights like this when the sky falls I can still resist hoping I have no more dreams of love I only dream of telling my story (Still I wait for someone to sweep me away, to awaken me to illusory bliss) There is only this song You are absolved Will I ever be possessed by another? (Never wish for the impossible) There is only this song (November 1998) ) Back to Top Running After Darkness (for W.H.) Those nights of chasing your ghost Following the sound of your voice, echoing through my head Running after Darkness, running after the rain Have finally come to an end After all my hope has died Obsession the brightest fire Burned in me so long how could I Give up all me dreams without a fight Night after night I'd lay alone in bed Watching your pictures dance on my wall Listening to a childish heart Beating hope through it all Day after day I went searching for people like you Trying so hard to become someone you could love Finding that without you in my mind I am all I ever wanted to be And if I could break my love for you How could I ever trust again You caused those rainbows to fall Condemned me to walk Alone through streets which yearn for my love Naked but for this jaded smile Could I only be innocent again Just to watch my heart -- as it's broken Now those nights of chasing your ghost Following the sound of your voice, echoing through my head Running after Darkness, running after the rain Have finally come to an end ...an end...an end.... Shall I cry one last time for the death of these tears? (July 1996) Back to Top The Same Stream At times time itself is uncertain Not knowing your place in history You draw back the curtain Older self the crux of the mystery You can dip your foot in the same stream If you break the ice The foot is no longer the same Yet you've been there twice You found a body use the body You broke the body lose the body You lost your body choose a body If inspiration is truly divine What should the earthly vessel matter As long as someone is there to receive it — You quickly write all the words you merely remember (They fascinated you so) If you believe in fate rather than chaos The cycle repeats and repeats and — Back to Top Satin I take the dress down from the attic I slip her on and tie her lace Tonight she might be stained and battered In your dangerous embrace I am satin, fretted and frayed By life's jagged edges When I let myself out to play Despite consequences Intensity is muted by pretending It's not in reverence for your spark Just for the severance of strings That bound me, kept me from my heart Yet everything I make and do In this labyrinth of doubt Is a misguided lovesong to you Wouldn't mean anything without (oh let it out let it out!) I take the dress down from the attic I slip her on and lace her ties Tonight she might be torn and tattered Just because we are alive (November 2008) Back to Top Saviors You saw me on a vast unconquerable frontier You heard my voice in desperation drawing you near Might this be your chance to meet your destiny? To save someone deep in the throes of need But my song was never directed at you I know these myths are never true I'm through with saviors who are mistaken That I am helpless and I need saving Neither am I a lovely siren My only purpose your temptation Still it was easy to lure me to your land I love the promise of a future unplanned When fog no longer shrouded me you realized Your reflection never shone in my eyes The stars had never twinkled so bright But I was still whole and wholly alone that night I am not a diversion from your hero's journey I have my own monsters to slay Not a pretty toy to add to your collection I have my own princess to save I am home again No need to be rescued That's never what I would yes to What I tried to say Was walk beside me or walk away Back to Top Silence I drive by your mother's house Though she's asleep, and you are out Two thousand, eight hundred and ninety eight miles away To be precise Just to smell that air again To feel nostalgia mixed with pain For the days when you were here And I would come when you called In a parallel world I am a much more lovable girl You're reading me new pages from your great novel You're holding my hand as if you need it But here, I only ever fell in love So I could play the game of Long-dead poets called genius As only men and suicides can be called So that when our bodies are Dust specks in the beams of unnamed stars The words I've assembled for you Will still exist I write songs for you but you don't listen Worse than judgment, silence means indifference But someone will hear them So they will live forever Though you and I will never be young again I keep driving I keep writing I am circling I may never land [The lines about bodies being dust and words living forever refer to Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar.] Back to Top Silently Conjure Without any moon to guide us One impulse from what's denied us You gave me this potent mix As if you don't know your strength To possess beauty wild as this Silently conjures every wish I could pretend I don't know You're paralyzed yet it shows All the beasts of the forest Watch and wait or else ignore us Human needs will continue A growing scream that's within you Come to me in your sleep Lie next to me breathe me deep Fingertips crushing fear On your lips as I draw near I enter in to your mind Your pupils have opened wide I hypnotize you are mine All my fingers count the signs Come to me I hypnotize Free from yourself Now you are mine (February 2012) Back to Top Siren Ship You're fearless and lawless, you follow no captain But you're ruled by desire approaching obsession I am a shapely vessel full of riches to plunder I've been breached before, but I've never gone under You cannon blasts split me, resolutely defiled I am humbled and broken by a boyish smile You enter violently, but this was my plan You think it all your choice, you arrogant man! Your type can never resist my call I have been so many sailors' downfall Your type can never resist my call I have been so many conquerors' downfall Racing the hourglass to escape with my treasure But my humiliation promises such pleasure This is the glorious destruction you've wrought You can't deny yourself the wounded beast you caught I'm losing my grip on the horizon You clutch at me tightly as the water is rising I am a shattered vessel, full of riches, going down But you're the one begging as I watch you drown (June 2011) Back to Top The Sirens of Titan It's not that you loved too much It's that love alone is not enough I didn't set out to break your heart I wonder, why did I follow this far? We ate and drank the very finest Walked in gardens and sunned by the sea Scaled walls, danced till covered with sweat. Found rapture in each other's bodies and yet I can't wait to be far away I can't wait to drop this façade The joke that I would want to tend to another lost boy Was I simply doing as I was told Loving you because you were around Once I'd been lured by the promise Your eyes across the distance Still photographs of statues You cry of the sky falling And the wolves at your heels You beg for comfort I can't give I myself am desperate to be loved I can't wait to be held, but not like this I asked you to tell me When you said you were reading it What you thought of the ending But you never did What's the point of even talking If we never dive in deep Why have I entered your orbit If I cannot land safely Was I simply doing as I was told Loving you because you were around Once I was lured by the promise Your eyes across the distance Still photographs of statues [This refers to Kurt Vonnegut's The Sirens of Titan, but only in two tiny ways, both of which are spoilers.] Back to Top The Snowstorm We tear love out by its roots Replant it in a hundred distant gardens "The love is dead, long live the love" And we have no gods, no partners The leaves grow pale and weak The flowers bloom too soon I let them fall all around me, falling for me I blush unseen and see them falling remotely We live the myth, self-sufficient, brave and confident Mock-courage is our favorite currency Demanding all the signifiers, calling happiness to us But without tenderness all this power is meaningless The roots had rotted Before they could spread I let them fall all around me, falling for me I blush unseen and watch them falling remotely In this snowstorm I don't know which arms I miss around me With only words to tie us, intangible and tenuous (Trivial) (June 2012) Back to Top A Song Is Just a Song This world is filthy and full of shit Yet I've been told to stay clean This world is dangerous and wants me dead Though I was promised safety When I was young I was taught my job was To make this world a beautiful place But what can one person do besides Planting flowers on top of heaps of toxic waste? A song is just a song, it won't help to turn the soil Unless it's sung while digging And these bards and I are still Singing on behalf of The Revolution Because it's something we can sell you on Without sullying our delicate hands [Resistance will always be sexy, that part is easy And it's our bread and butter In this, the golden age of circuses] Yes this world is dangerous and wants to kill you But you should survive anyway, live to fight another day Because it's your job to make this a beautiful place To spread the lie that we can be safe A song is just a song, and it doesn't bring upheaval Unless it's the gravedigger's hymn A story about utopia is still just a story Unless we write it in blood Back to Top Specimen I am ripe, full, swollen You examine my body where it has fallen You have a habit to feed -- and this fruit seems Like the sweetest poison I am supine, passive, silent I long to be used used in the way I was meant Obscene fertility in casual beauty My blood spilled, my seeds spread This is the natural way I exist for you to evaluate Shat out or systematically bred Or carefully preserved but dead "My God!" I hear your voice, "such an unusual specimen" I am gutted, taxidermy-stuffed, mended, gutted again I am supine, passive silent I've earned my place among men of science My likeness described by poets and painters The jewel of your collection Such an unusual specimen Gutted, stuffed, mended and gutted again To those of independent taste The height of fashion -- perfection! Back to Top Star-Crossed I play the odds for any coins the gods might toss us You are content just gazing at the stars that cross us They keep throwing things to wish upon But it's never enough to loose our bonds They keep taunting us with fantasies Compromises for improbabilities Oh please, please ask me to fight Don't ask me to sacrifice Oh please let us have ground to stand Don't ask me to fold my hand I keep my cards close to my chest but feel it thumping For you I try but fail at concealing one thing I am a hack artist of truths left unsaid You have a way of getting into my head Desperation is our biggest threat When outside forces force us into their debt (February 2012) Back to Top The Surrender I seared my fingertips To cleanse my identity I burned off my palms To erase my destiny I tore out all the pages To clear my history I'm naked as you are With nothing but clarity I thought I knew the colors of love Long before I knew what love meant oh Bowed before gods and sex and drugs But I have just now learned to surrender I have forgot the words Will you learn them with me As slowly we emerge From a world without memory I've had only one wish Since you appeared to me To watch over you Growing and happy Back to Top Survival For too long I paid lipservice to liberation Let my young self be subsumed in our relations Don't think for a moment I don't take responsibility But you have to agree it was time I set myself free Is it wrong to distill what we had for so many years Down to the worst of us both, all of our violence and tears Tell me what hurts and hate me for wanting it anyway Love has driven me from you and fear won't make me stay I have stared down the face of death Burned my idols till nothing was left If you tried to see through my eyes You would know this is how I'll survive, the only way I can survive You think I sacrificed happiness for pleasures trivial I repeat my mantra no regrets so someday it will feel real I am alone, there is no freedom from I begged borrowed and stole, escaped your rubber room Blame me for what you can You are a shell of a man Tell all my friends I've gone mad Everything I could've wanted, I had But survival isn't just for the body It's for what will be left of me All the ways you say I'm crazy They form my legacy You think I sacrificed happiness for pleasures trivial I repeat my mantra no regrets so someday it will feel real I am alone with my freedom to I lied cheated and stole to get away from you I am alone, wide skies above me This city's all mine, and no one to love me I am alone unprotected from my worst self No freedom from but I have no regrets I am alone, wide skies above, This city's all mine, and no one to love Back to Top Thorns All around the castle the queen once sent men To dig up the vines that choke and starve the garden But the prickliest hedges yield the sweetest scent So she decreed the roses were her protection "I have every right to be here And this place is mine alone If you leave me the gods will keep and feed me: I will stay on my throne" Cold and forgotten she remains with just one Pity or loyalty, or a twisted kind of love Impassable hedges enclose mossy stone And rise over towers and block out the sun Now she declares all the roses were made just for this: Pick them and strip them, adorn her for worship Let the thorns grow for the promise of a rose But roses grew thorns so we wouldn't disturb the flowers Command all you want, your beasts men and gods Green growing things obey only their own laws! And the pretty ones get to keep their thorns But the prickly ones have beauty all their own "I have every right to be here And this place is mine alone If you leave me the gods will keep and feed me: I will stay on my throne" "Oh curse this broken ground bones and thorns and dust who will dig them out — the histories of us?" Back to Top Thumbelina (Words by Elizabeth Powers) Don't crush her fairy's wings Hold her gently in your hand Help her to feel tall again None of this was planned She's too small for the pen Can't write her story down Too small for the pen Can't bring her mind around She's wilting in the corner No one to help her stand Help her to feel tall again None of this was planned Her silver shell is cracking Naive beyond belief She's not as lithesome as she'd like Keeps glimpses of herself brief (Thumbelina, Thumbelina-ah) No junebugs can reach her here To sweep her into an unknown land And spirit her away to a lonely bloom No, none of this was planned She can question why she was born this small But of course there is no one to answer her call Back to Top The Treacherous Sea I can wash you off of me But I still smell of the treacherous sea Which threatens to transform me Into a creature I don't want to be All wetness and slime, the color of a bruise All darkness and regret, the things that sailors lose The only one of my kind, alone on this island My only contact the desperate and violent I still have this: If I can speak, someone will listen If I don't lose my voice, I will find power again I can cut you out from inside But I could never regain my pride It was sunk in a deep dark cavern Only ancient reptiles can find I don't recognize myself in the mirror But I am not lost: I am getting clearer I ask powers beyond me and all that they say is: You have control. Use it. Keep it. Back to Top Trouble I wasn't looking for -- Trouble found me It rests with eyes and words, for now my treachery Does the young planet know the force with which she pulls Who can blame two bodies for obeying gravity? Yes there are things that can't be undone But neither can they be unsaid; you can't be unwanted Knowing well that this could be the crisis Despite admonishments I remain undaunted Now I'm poised to fall the final distance into your arms The path of least resistance and the most harm I always get what I ask for But never know what I want So when I asked for it Trouble found me It lives in flesh and bone, our treachery I won't ask the lioness to change her nature However merciless, however bloody This is not the first secret, it won't be the last I see all the future tears as if they've already passed As if it's already known For now, we keep it close I ask again, my friend -- Trouble find me Remind me how it feels, my treachery (July 2008) Back to Top Under The Sand Within, without and over, you are to me Under the sky, under the sand buried your face beneath Only for our comet somewhere far away Denying the pain we cause ourselves you should stay The truth will come; I can't go on Let it wash into the sea Why don't you stay if it feels so good inside me? Condemn my words Within, without. Now is the time when silver ties have come undone Broken promises, mistrust, never the only one I could wish all I can on the heavens above But never restore the faith we had, in what you called Love (June 1997) Back to Top Vacant Skies (Oh pretty boy, how can I feel sad for you? I don't even know your words are true And this light is a dying star) Never more will I wish for vacant skies to pull me in All my memories are nightmares I'll sleep alone all of my life For no one wants to touch me When I expected you To SAVE ME FROM MONOTONY To show me some sympathy But no one who has ever hurt can feel for me The child of a happy home and of the sea When any minute I could be destroyed (By just one word from you) (August 1999) Back to Top War Stories Bringer of death of destruction of vengeance Mother of nothing but war Liars will tell you it's to end the violence Somehow they always make more You have a thousand ways to tell war stories Yet say all births are the same This is your only way to speak to angels: A trophy kill in your name Bombs for peace Work to be free Your bomb is no one's mother A thousand war stories Will never give mass murder One word of birth's glory You're seeking other worlds Because you've consumed yours Why should you tend to growing things When you could just conquer? We'll fight for peace till we're bloody and bruised and Still find time to build a world Push back against how we're taught to be used and Never forget who we were So we'll fight for peace And keep on loving Never for one second buy The lies you are selling Back to Top The Waves These days are gonna leave a mark Just to survive is a heavy task It's a big big thing, this change We can't see where it's gonna lead Wake me up Every ugly day Oooh I lie in the sand And the waves pour over me Oooh I don't leave a trace All my words have washed away I'm learning to resist longing Just to touch a friendly hand To sit on the grass with somebody else near To dance close to a stranger To sit at the bar and hear a tale of adventure (we used to — remember?) To plan my own like I have a future Dream for me (I'm going nowhere — now and here) Of a better time Oooh I lie in the sand Let the pain wash over me Oooh it's a sacred thing To be scarred by history I swear I am OK I only mean I don't want sympathy I won't ask you if I'm still enough when I'm useless Hitting bottom yet again I'm still here and now There was a better time someday Oooh I lie in the sand And the waves pour over me Oooh I don't leave a trace All my words have washed away Oooh I lie in the sand Let the pain wash over me Oooh it's a sacred thing To be scarred by history Back to Top Waxing Gibbous The moon is waxing gibbous And the night is young Let's hang a ladder on the stars And kiss on every rung As if the song is endless Until it's all been sung The most delightful turn of phrase Might end as it's begun Dresses and high heels Burlesque and bourbon And stumbling through the quarter Tipsy and laughing Riding the streetcar And happy in your arms I don't need you fall to your knees And tell me you want me Do as you please Just tell me if you want me I don't need to hear You tell you love me Don't disappear Once you have told me you that love me Had I forgotten Once we were home again You would forget me Did I read too much Into the intimacy We shared when it was easy The moon is waning gibbous And the dawn is near We climb down from the stars And watch our silhouettes grow clear And if the song is ending The decent thing you know Is say goodbye and tell me why And let me let you go Back to Top We Love Longest My family and friends couldn't believe I loved a sailor Under their sway I suppose I couldn't either Eight years have passed and never once did I forget you Nor all the love you would have given had I let you You've returned and you must have seen How regret has weighed heavy upon me We love longest after all hope is gone I'm still longing, loving you all along Men can replace the loves they have left with constant action A baronet's daughter does not dare pursue a profession Each day for you felt like a year to me Safe at home while won your fortune at sea Oh I'd rather be overturned by you Than driven to safety by someone else One look, one word may be enough But I want to drown you in all my love Back to Top When I Touch Myself Don't call me tonight It would make it impossible What I realized today is that in loving you I forgot to love myself Then I was nothing, you lost interest More importantly, I lost interest in myself This is what has happened every time I finally saw the error of obsessive altruism So now I dance to remind myself that I still have a body Even when I am alone And that I don't think about you When I touch myself (November 21, 2000) Back to Top When We Were Young When we were young Every chord, every phrase was precious We didn't know when the next one would come When we were young Every kiss every touch was sacred We didn't know whom the next would be from But we sang the night away We sang right into the day We sang all our hopes out though We had nothing new to say We thought we made it up Believed we invented love We tried to capture it in rhyme Like every poet has done When they were young When we were young We kept notes on each other's potential Anticipating such music to come When we were young There was nothing we couldn't accomplish Once all the promise of our song was sung What are we learning What is our place in the world Will we be children forever Singing forever? Back to Top With All of My Intelligence "I choose to love this time for once With all of my intelligence I wasted so many years Seeing myself as no more than a prize Hoping someone could win me, lift me up Until I decided to climb Now it's so been lonely here Feeling so superior Thought I'd seen it all No one would induce me to fall "I choose to love this time for once With all of my intelligence Those eyes, that smile, the signs All flashing yes, yes, yes Illuminate how much I was missing When I was mired in indifference Now this time, at least, my self-sabotage Is excessive hope I might get what I want If you return all the breaths you've stolen It won't be for nothing that my heart was broken [The entire chorus of this song is a quote from Adrienne Rich's "Splittings."] Back to Top Written in Red - Words by Voltairine de Cleyre Written in red their protest stands, For the Gods of the World to see; On the dooming wall their bodiless hands have blazoned "Upharsin," and flaring brands Illumine the message: "Seize the lands! Open the prisons and make men free!" Flame out the living words of the dead Written-in-red. Gods of the World! Their mouths are dumb! Your guns have spoken and they are dust. But the shrouded Living, whose hearts were numb, have felt the beat of a wakening drum Within them sounding -- the Dead men's tongue -- Calling: "Smite off the ancient rust!" Have beheld "Resurrexit," the word of the Dead, Written-in-red. Bear it aloft, O roaring flame! Skyward aloft, where all may see. Slaves of the World! Our cause is the same; One is the immemorial shame; One is the struggle, and in One name -- Manhood -- we battle to set men free. "Uncurse us the Land!" burn the words of the Dead, Written-in-red. Back to Top You I won that fight The pain was mine I sunk to martyrdom So... you'll never see how you betrayed me Soon there will be no more -- you'll no longer plague me How could you think to take away my home How could I have thought to sacrifice myself for you again? Will we never speak again? Now it's a war of self-concern And I have no more sympathy for you who so deserted me... But you were once someone to hold on to You were all I had to put my faith into And throughout all of my blackest days You were the one I thought I knew would stay (out of compassion) And now the only thing that gives me pleasure is knowing You betrayed him too, and oh what will he do to you, when he finds out You fucked his enemy You fucked his devil-counterpart, and he's such an angel, oh your violent angel will he -- what will he do to you -- will he wish you luck in nonexistence too? I love knowing, all of those nights you deserted me. you betrayed him, too, oh ... And I know I fought for myself for once, and I love it. And hope, oh you finally killed Let him break the vessel I had filled With trust, with perfect trust And I thank you for forcing me to learn To never hope, never more Now, I say, you are nothing to me I say you are nothing to me now Then why, every time I close my eyes you're there And I relive it all The pain of loss, the fear But I, I've already been there once, why every night again, again... And the last dream that I had, we laughed together one last time About our mutual hatred (October 1995, April 1999) Back to Top |