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Always Radical You alone shared my tears As we watched such injustice unfold I alone looked into your eyes As rationale was retold Most people argue Pandering to the middle You are always radical Uncompromising When others would follow their rules You would be nobody's fool Focused so strongly As we shared those afternoons Could you, so tranquil, understand my longing To be so much more than friend to you Most people argue Toeing the party line You won't be so easily defined Uncompromising When others say turn the other cheek You will never risk appearing weak I'll never say I disagree But I had different priorities I wanted to have someone beside me Who wanted revolution as unblindly And when I asked you If I could give you just one kiss I've never seen such indifference Uncompromising While I would have changed myself for you You would always remain true Back to Top Buried Alive The song claws at my throat Buried alive They need me to be weak That's how they thrive Even now they took my time, they take my time My fingers twist in pain Feeling their way With just a fool's hope For the escape What I know is my own strength, is my own strength You know I will resist Though it may be in silence I'll see my own rewards In solitary triumph What I know is my own strength I kept it locked away And so it will remain Until I'm free someday The song claws at my throat Buried alive And though I scream inside It will survive (January 2005) Back to Top Bruises I learned to love from songs I know I do it wrong I fall fast and not very well Try to dissemble, but you can tell I can't play by the rules Too impatient to be pursued But you got under my skin Your skin under my nails Your smell on my hair Your marks on my arms If we can choose our bruises I've made my choice Now I sing my own song in my own voice Though my tongue may still be tied In the end I will be undenied Oh, I learned to love from songs I know I do it wrong If I could have what I wanted You would be part of it To grasp me firmly's not an option But I want you Even now I've had you, still -- I want you Tempted to give all this a name As our dance moves always one step out of frame (October 2008) Back to Top Casualties "That's one of the unfortunate by-products of a married woman falling in love. There are almost always casualties, Eve." In retrospect it seems I've lost I could have won, but at what cost? Is it too late now to be brave? When there's no love left I can save Feeling guilt's my one regret I let you take all you could get I'm coming back to take what's mine I'm not afraid to cross the line (December 2009) Back to Top Caught Her When we were girls We were our own little world It seemed that we were unbreakable So we pushed the limits Unbearable poverty makes you think anything's better than what you have Unspeakable acts seems exciting You'll sacrifice everything for the chance But if I could, if I could, if I could have caught her Would she now be free? If I could, if I could, if I could have caught her Would she ever forgive me? I was all she had, I still Feel I somehow failed her I know I was not to blame it was Only our silence that betrayed her When they came to take her She went without a fight I watched from inside the closet Protecting myself in the black of night But if I could... I could pretend I don't care Wherever she is, what they do to her In that moment we were severed (Her submission) But we were girls together We were girls together... Once upon a time Back to Top Commodity Compliance Cruelty
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The Keys With a promise to set me free From the cage I'd locked myself into He appeared with many keys How could I refuse? These golden bars they hold perfection But were chosen by mistake (mistake) Comfort would be my tomb I had to run away (he led me away) Waking in the morning, my head upon his chest The paradox abundantly clear This love attacked so fierce: it will decay like all the rest There is nothing to be gained here As lust turns to need all the promise is destroyed Need turns to possession Each little victory only noise So I have returned to my cage But now I hold the keys And I will use them Anytime I please (July 2008) Back to Top Knowledge Scars Such a lovely fall from grace Such a pretty tearful face Silence rules falsely empty hearts In this fevered, cold embrace Intuition's wrong, though dreams implore so strongly Upon these wings of fire no other has desired so Could my hope be killed within another sin, oh I'd touch your soul again but pretense wears so thin, within If only I could wait; if only I could have faith In love -- in love -- like yesterday Then along you come, so cool, emotionless And I can only open my arms, close my eyes, and wait Knowledge scars with twisted limbs Always given, given in Torn by vapid lust Deny our broken trust. (July 1997, November 1998) Back to Top Lament For Peter Pan Sweet unrest grows sour -- striving, excruciating yet wanting so badly to atone... "Go, then and scorn fidelity. Guilt will follow." This tightrope I walk slices through my feet as the are clay As if I were meant to fall into both sides of sorrows (so grave, so deep) To be forced by guile and guilt which so manipulate For I have paid in insincerity for my small mistakes I fear the imminent gravity of aborted wishes I have seen before through eyes like his I know the pain separation gives And he hasn't yet learned Forever never means forever....anymore, anymore, anymore...did it ever? This is for washing the sorrows away From these feet like clay... The rope now gives way, and I know where I stand He's within, without, and so very over Like a sweet, sweet dream into which I'll never step again, anymore... (But there are other dreams, oh yes) * Well in the night I dream about you In the day I find no rest Just the thought of you, my darling Sends aching pains all through my chest Days grow longer and enamored with the spring Longer now I watch your face, blue in the silent dusk But how long will hopes remain inside, entombed, beseeching us And how long till your faraway eyes will reach for me Will they ever reach again? Do I hold no mystery? (anymore...) And how can we romanticize Once those burning eyes Have wrapped around my flesh, so consuming my enigma Is there nothing left? anymore, anymore, anymore... This remorse will never disappear While he refuses to dry his tears Our guilty hands never rinse clear So we remain blind in fear -- and never love * Well, when I'm dead and in my coffin With my feet turned toward the sun Come and sit beside me, darling, Come and think on the way you've done * from folk song, "East Virginia," not included in Knowledge Scars version Back to Top Peter Pan Waltz (originally part of "Lament for Peter Pan") Oh never again to be swept off my feet, nevermore nevermore nevermore And never again know the hope so sweet, nevermore... But "nevermore?" I've said it before, nevermore... And always the same find the lies, all the blame lies within, evermore, evermore But you taught me to hate this slow loss of emotion, this motion toward death, toward stillness, The oceans of blood from your lips as you let out the pain I feel mine in your words till we've both been drained Though ever I grow colder, my hope never wanes to leave me so alone Alone in my dreams forgetful of these, my first silver idols But electric as daydreams are still, I fear I'll watch you grow ever duller If you ever let me touch you, if my mind gets any fuller with time If I see through your words to a heart frail as mine, delicate as ice in April For only the truly unreachable can still hold fascination for such as we Only the truly unreachable can still fascinate me anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore.... (January-February 1998) Back to Top The Little Mermaid "Are you not fonder of me than of all the rest?" cried her eyes "Yes, you are dearest of all to me -- you, the silent one; if not no one, then you." But then he speaks of her -- the unknown, a false angel. The mermaid chokes in fear, but still she hopes... How can you want something more than me? I give my life for yours, sacrifice my voice Only in hope, a thousand knives each step, that I may share your soul Oh, if only I could sing, or if this heart had wings, I would be your angel. Word travels fast, soon despair comes crashing, crashing down Only blood and sisters' love can save her life now. A thousand knives. She dances into death that night. The sea so cold, black, unyielding. A promise to fall. So only murder can save her now, but what's the use Her love is gone either way, so why fight? How can you want more than me? I rewrote my future in foam for you I gave my life to see this through and am betrayed. And disintegrate. Oooh... Oh -- Why must true illusion, not love, conquer all? (April 1998) Back to Top Loud and Clear I only wanted to make something better than myself I never resisted being criticized No I listened to everything anyone has said But some things are not meant to be analyzed It's all over now I've grown so tired of listening to all the doubt The fear so consuming that I'll never get out I still have the choice To ignore that voice inside my head that says Whatever I do, it's not a success -- I've had enough of this With every glance new cracks, new flaws are exposed We all carry a thousand mistakes But you know someday this Pandora's box will be closed Until then, I'll do whatever it takes I look to the past, to the future to come Relying on daydreams that I might have won One day... I'm too soft, I'm too hard I'm too brave, I'm too scared I'm trivial, I'm serious Is anyone even hearing this? I hear the absence of your cheers Loud and clear, loud and clear... (February 2008) Back to Top Magnanimous (For J.D.M) This house is now barren and cold Where once it was scented, overgrown So glad to be leaving this misery Silence, eternal sterility Someone said, "You want to think you are good" No: I don't care what I think When most people would rather hate than communicate You are different, you have something to say, now But now you're so far away In word and body, what can I say? Could you understand my desperation Magnanimous you, understand my attention Unwanted as it was Hope is necessary, just like trust In every situation I find myself Grasping for some connection, anything, something like community But most people would rather hate than communicate You are different; you care what I have to say But now you're so far away In word and body, what can I say Could you understand my anger at them Magnanimous you, understand my reaction Irrational as it was Now you're so far away In word and body, what can I say What can I say that will sound the same On the other side of the electronic divide (July 2000) Back to Top Mediocrity (life of whoredom) You sleaze in everything you do. Once you sodomized a child, and never even knew her name. That night I lay and wished for none of what you tried to give me. "You're like two sirens" you said. But I never called you. Still I always wanted my name in lights What I thought I could do for fame, back in those nights But now I will not submit to mediocrity "Angel named Mercy," who could that be? Any fool could see through you Ephemeral bullshit is not for me I was a 25 dollar whore for you I wasted my talent on your worthless crap I was no one, trying to make you look good The worst job I've ever had to give (I'll never submit again) Nevermore will I submit to mediocrity Your self-serving ignorance, hypocrisy I was ashamed by our name and your pretension I know this life of whoredom is not for me In all your decadence I will not lie (an inside joke, July 1999) Back to Top The Next Flower (Words by Kat Mulkey) You look so intriguing In that old-fashioned clothing Your eyes so alluring So young, yet so knowing In black fishnet stockings And dark velvet gown You visit the nightclubs All over town You meet a young man there You know the type In exchange for a slow dance You're his for the night But boys don't love girls like that Past the promiscuous hour They leave your cherished blossom And fly to the next flower You let him caress you In the back of an old car For proclaiming your beauty You let him go so far You're searching for love you say But that's not how you'll find it Beneath the flesh you're still alone And you pretend you don't mind it But boys don't love girls like that Past the promiscuous hour They leave your cherished blossom And fly to the next flower Boys don't love girls like that They don't take them home To meet mother, make breakfast, or write to you But this you've always known Back to Top Paresthesia Do you ever wonder, wonder who Silently came, quickly left, left a flower for you? He said "be wary of symbols" and I see them so clear But I have dreams -- one of them is you -- they eclipse all my fear Can you tell me why I dream of you? Hungry and male, and her, long-lashed and beautiful-sad Was the electricity only the sparks behind my eyes In the redness of parched, scorched earth Thirsty your eyes, or my blood But its your smile in those moments that lets in hope I subsist on this, I desist as you resist But how twisted my desires grow And when will I feel your eyes, your dark eyes On my flesh, on my breast Where I fear my displayed heart lies? ...and oh, the paresthesia when I pretend you want me When my subconcious taunts me with this impossible dream.... (November 1999) Back to Top Pillar of Salt The damage was done preemptively Blame the force of these memories Abstain all you want you can't shake your hold on me Though you won't call me -- you play it right Still my mind lingers in those nights And you don't have to try to twist that knife But if I look back I'll turn into a pillar of If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of salt-- Not since the days of boys' tyranny Over my heart was I so weak Yet you see I would love to beg at your feet But if I look back I'll turn into a pillar of If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of If I look back I'll turn into a pillar of salt- Back to Top Pink Shoes Pink shoes never touch the ground Walk of shame back from your house My town like I've never seen On your side the grass is green Mission boys nod as I pass In Spanish compliment my dress Makeup's smeared but I don't care Now at last I'm so aware Your scent lingers on my skin Iceberg-tip of what's within Endless possibilities Who I am allowed to be Always think of you when I wear pink shoes Back to Top Power Some people use words, gasps of air Some use flesh, objects of desire seeking power Either way, from either side, the desire is the same: Love, whatever that means, whatever it brings, I'll do what I can, to find it Some follow, others seek Are we what we feel or what we think? What can I do to touch you? When we are only red lights in a grey haze And I can hardly see you Why when I close my eyes I feel your body Why do I put so much faith in someone I hardly know? Is it my need to hope? What do I seek in you? What's at the core of me Do I really long for autonomy? Do I want to be the object of your fantasies Or are you my dream Or my icon, so reduced Or my innocence, so long dismissed? Love, whatever that means, whatever that brings, I'll do what I can, to find it Some follow, other seek You are what you feel What's at the core of me: do I really seek autonomy? Or are you a center of power Or are you who I want to be? Back to Top Resolution The guilt anchored me But your face could launch a thousand ships And the sky on those nights would steal any heart And now the remorse is yours I hung her on your wall for a reason -- bloody hands, roses I would have done anything to be rid of her Except give up hope of touching you, so I succumbed I have always been blind I will never learn to let go (For now I purge the lies) You failed, you failed like all the rest, At least I though you'd try But my dreams of true love disappeared in half a week I touched you, I found your heart I found it frail but unkind I'll never lay a hand on your soul again. But God how I long to have those nights back The time before bitterness took hold Innocence was painted black and violet In the violence of floods, in the oceans of memories Cascading from this punctured heart That still cries for new wounds... The sorrows couldn't wash away as quickly as love did No time passed before silence and proverbial illusion conquered all And no tears fell after that night, the fall, but nostalgia burns And I am always warm This is my new tightrope I can't see beneath my feet -- I could fall into space This loss of hope is eternal You never believed we were infinitesimal; I still see it -- On nights like this when the sky falls I can still resist hoping I have no more dreams of love I only dream of telling my story (Still I wait for someone to sweep me away, to awaken me to illusory bliss) There is only this song You are absolved Will I ever be possessed by another? (Never wish for the impossible) There is only this song (November 1998) ) Back to Top Running After Darkness (for W.H.) Those nights of chasing your ghost Following the sound of your voice, echoing through my head Running after Darkness, running after the rain Have finally come to an end After all my hope has died Obsession the brightest fire Burned in me so long how could I Give up all me dreams without a fight Night after night I'd lay alone in bed Watching your pictures dance on my wall Listening to a childish heart Beating hope through it all Day after day I went searching for people like you Trying so hard to become someone you could love Finding that without you in my mind I am all I ever wanted to be And if I could break my love for you How could I ever trust again You caused those rainbows to fall Condemned me to walk Alone through streets which yearn for my love Naked but for this jaded smile Could I only be innocent again Just to watch my heart -- as it's broken Now those nights of chasing your ghost Following the sound of your voice, echoing through my head Running after Darkness, running after the rain Have finally come to an end ...an end...an end.... Shall I cry one last time for the death of these tears? (July 1996) Back to Top Satin I take the dress down from the attic I slip her on and tie her lace Tonight she might be stained and battered In your dangerous embrace I am satin, fretted and frayed By life's jagged edges When I let myself out to play Despite consequences Intensity is muted by pretending It's not in reverence for your spark Just for the severance of strings That bound me, kept me from my heart Yet everything I make and do In this labyrinth of doubt Is a misguided lovesong to you Wouldn't mean anything without (oh let it out let it out!) I take the dress down from the attic I slip her on and lace her ties Tonight she might be torn and tattered Just because we are alive (November 2008) Back to Top Survival For too long I paid lipservice to liberation Let my young self be subsumed in our relations Don't think for a moment I don't take responsibility But you have to agree it was time I set myself free Is it wrong to distill what we had for so many years Down to the worst of us both, all of our violence and tears Tell me what hurts and hate me for wanting it anyway Love has driven me from you and fear won't make me stay I have stared down the face of death Burned my idols till nothing was left If you tried to see through my eyes You would know this is how I'll survive, the only way I can survive You think I sacrificed happiness for pleasures trivial I repeat my mantra no regrets so someday it will feel real I am alone, there is no freedom from I begged borrowed and stole, escaped your rubber room Blame me for what you can You are a shell of a man Tell all my friends I've gone mad Everything I could've wanted, I had But survival isn't just for the body It's for what will be left of me All the ways you say I'm crazy They form my legacy You think I sacrificed happiness for pleasures trivial I repeat my mantra no regrets so someday it will feel real I am alone with my freedom to I lied cheated and stole to get away from you I am alone, wide skies above me This city's all mine, and no one to love me I am alone unprotected from my worst self No freedom from but I have no regrets I am alone, wide skies above, This city's all mine, and no one to love Back to Top Thumbelina (Words by Elizabeth Powers) Don't crush her fairy's wings Hold her gently in your hand Help her to feel tall again None of this was planned She's too small for the pen Can't write her story down Too small for the pen Can't bring her mind around She's wilting in the corner No one to help her stand Help her to feel tall again None of this was planned Her silver shell is cracking Naive beyond belief She's not as lithesome as she'd like Keeps glimpses of herself brief (Thumbelina, Thumbelina-ah) No junebugs can reach her here To sweep her into an unknown land And spirit her away to a lonely bloom No, none of this was planned She can question why she was born this small But of course there is no one to answer her call Back to Top Trouble I wasn't looking for -- Trouble found me It rests with eyes and words, for now my treachery Does the young planet know the force with which she pulls Who can blame two bodies for obeying gravity? Yes there are things that can't be undone But neither can they be unsaid; you can't be unwanted Knowing well that this could be the crisis Despite admonishments I remain undaunted Now I'm poised to fall the final distance into your arms The path of least resistance and the most harm I always get what I ask for But never know what I want So when I asked for it Trouble found me It lives in flesh and bone, our treachery I won't ask the lioness to change her nature However merciless, however bloody This is not the first secret, it won't be the last I see all the future tears as if they've already passed As if it's already known For now, we keep it close I ask again, my friend -- Trouble find me Remind me how it feels, my treachery (July 2008) Back to Top Under The Sand Within, without and over, you are to me Under the sky, under the sand buried your face beneath Only for our comet somewhere far away Denying the pain we cause ourselves you should stay The truth will come; I can't go on Let it wash into the sea Why don't you stay if it feels so good inside me? Condemn my words Within, without. Now is the time when silver ties have come undone Broken promises, mistrust, never the only one I could wish all I can on the heavens above But never restore the faith we had, in what you called Love (June 1997) Back to Top Vacant Skies (Oh pretty boy, how can I feel sad for you? I don't even know your words are true And this light is a dying star) Never more will I wish for vacant skies to pull me in All my memories are nightmares I'll sleep alone all of my life For no one wants to touch me When I expected you To SAVE ME FROM MONOTONY To show me some sympathy But no one who has ever hurt can feel for me The child of a happy home and of the sea When any minute I could be destroyed (By just one word from you) (August 1999) Back to Top When I Touch Myself Don't call me tonight It would make it impossible What I realized today is that in loving you I forgot to love myself Then I was nothing, you lost interest More importantly, I lost interest in myself This is what has happened every time I finally saw the error of obsessive altruism So now I dance to remind myself that I still have a body Even when I am alone And that I don't think about you When I touch myself (November 21, 2000) Back to Top You I won that fight The pain was mine I sunk to martyrdom So... you'll never see how you betrayed me Soon there will be no more -- you'll no longer plague me How could you think to take away my home How could I have thought to sacrifice myself for you again? Will we never speak again? Now it's a war of self-concern And I have no more sympathy for you who so deserted me... But you were once someone to hold on to You were all I had to put my faith into And throughout all of my blackest days You were the one I thought I knew would stay (out of compassion) And now the only thing that gives me pleasure is knowing You betrayed him too, and oh what will he do to you, when he finds out You fucked his enemy You fucked his devil-counterpart, and he's such an angel, oh your violent angel will he -- what will he do to you -- will he wish you luck in nonexistence too? I love knowing, all of those nights you deserted me. you betrayed him, too, oh ... And I know I fought for myself for once, and I love it. And hope, oh you finally killed Let him break the vessel I had filled With trust, with perfect trust And I thank you for forcing me to learn To never hope, never more Now, I say, you are nothing to me I say you are nothing to me now Then why, every time I close my eyes you're there And I relive it all The pain of loss, the fear But I, I've already been there once, why every night again, again... And the last dream that I had, we laughed together one last time About our mutual hatred (October 1995, April 1999) Back to Top |